Stories

	The Many Stories of Bob at the "Gay House" Anthony “Cousin” Berg, and two of his buddies, Adam “Shaun White” Corrao and Brad “Bradford” Dishong, moved out of their parents’ homes in the early fall of 2007.  We would spend most of our days at their apartment, playing video games, watching movies, sporting events and anything else we could find on their big screen HDTV.  We would often order a pizza and bring a case of beer and have a good night.  Other nights, we would go over for the soul reason of drinking and having a party.  Most of these parties consisted of only guys, with the exception of maybe Cousin’s fiancé, Melissa “Wifey” Drake, and one or two other girls there.  Oftentimes, however, there were only guys there, and Chris Franklin came up with the appropriate nickname for the apartment of “Gay House”.  These are some of the most memorable stories involving Bob Horne. Shaun White's Spaghetti By Andrew Safford One night we were sitting around “Gay House” just watching TV and hanging out when Bob started getting hunger pangs again like he always does if he isn’t eating every second of the day. This particular evening we had already finished off all the pizza, but Shaun White had a bunch of left over spaghetti that he was trying to get rid of. So when Bob asked Shaun White if he had any food he could eat Shaun White said sure you can have some spaghetti. Bob being the idiot that he is went into the kitchen and found a box of raw spaghetti and asked if he could eat that instead. Shaun White then responded by saying no I already have some spaghetti made right here just eat that. For reason Bob was being very stubborn this evening and did not want the already made spaghetti he wanted the raw spaghetti, so he took the box and found a left over package of garlic sauce from the pizza and prepared to feast. But for some reason or another Bob was still not satisfied with this so he had to ask for a cup to put the garlic sauce into. At this point Shaun White finally decided to give in and just let Bob do what he wanted and let him have the spaghetti, the garlic sauce, and was even nice enough to find a cup for him. Finally satisfied Bob gathered all his goodies and sat down on the couch in the living room where he proceeded to dip the raw spaghetti into the garlic sauce and crunch on that all night. He even used the spaghetti as a makeshift spoon from time to time to drink the garlic sauce and disgust everyone else in the apartment. The Night Bob Tried to Out-Drink Nathaniel Co-Written By: Nathaniel Berg & Andrew Safford It was a late warm night near the end of summer, and a few of us were hanging out at “Gay House”. Bob had bought a few tall Fosters for some of us to enjoy. Eventually the party dwindled down to just four, Bob, Saf, Sauce, and me. For some reason, Bob wanted to have a drinking competition against me. None of us were drunk, as we had only drank a couple of beers a piece, and it was getting pretty late, so we had to switch to something a little harder if we wanted to see who would win this competition. Keith had left a bottle of Whiskey in the mini-fridge, and Bob located three shot glasses, so he, Saf, and I started with the first shot. It went down pretty easily for everyone, so we poured another, and threw that one back. Saf said he could drink more, but didn’t want to puke, so he went back and cracked open a beer. I asked Bob if he could handle any more, and he responded by asking me if I could. I told him I was still feeling good, so he breathed heavily and said lets do one more. After taking this third shot, I could tell Bob wasn’t feeling so great, so I started pressuring him, talking a little trash to see if he would try to take one more. I ended up doing another shot, just so I could say that I had out drank Bob, and posted back up on the couch. A few minutes later, we were throwing a football to each other in the living room, and we decided to go outside to throw the football around, so we could teach Saf how to throw with a spiral. Sauce, Saf and I were running routes and throwing the ball all around, not having any trouble, but Bob was so drunk, he was standing near a tree struggling to stay on his feet. He was holding on to the branches, just to not fall. Eventually he sat down in the dewy grass and waited until we went back inside. It was getting pretty late or early depending on how you look at it and we all decided to go back inside with the exception of Sauce who was able to drive home because he did not take part in the drinking contest. I believe Nathaniel went upstairs and got in Cousin’s bed because he was not home while Bob and I took control of the two couches downstairs. I wasn’t particularly tiered at the time so I turned on the TV. After a few minutes I hear Bob making some strange noises and acting weirder than normal so I ask him if he is going to puke. I did not get a response at first so I asked him again and I think he said maybe so I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the trash can. Mere seconds had passed after I got the trash can to him and he already had his head as far in it as he could and was throwing up like a champ. I sat there with Bob for probably a half an hour holding the trash because if I didn’t Bob’s puke would have been everywhere. The moral of this story is that Bob cannot out-drink Nathaniel. The Flippy Cup Incident Suggested by Chris Franklin As Told By Nathaniel Berg            One night in the summer of 2008, my friends and I were playing a wonderful drinking game called Baseball.  It had been an interesting night, as we had paid off some of our slap bets, and some people weren’t too happy they had been slapped (Bob).  Our game had been going for quite a while, entering the bottom of the sixth inning, with Cousin’s team up to bat leading by two runs.  I was covering second base, trying to prevent the game from getting out of reach, when Tommy Wright hit a double.  The next two batters struck out, leaving only one out left in the inning, and TW thought it to be a good time to try to take third base.            To steal a base in baseball, it is like a game of flippy cup against a member of the other team. If the defense is the first to win the flip, it is an out, but if the offense is the first to get the flip, it is a stolen base and the runner advances.  I always try to be one of the defensive flippers because I fancy myself to be pretty good at the flippy cup, but this night was different.            With TW aiming to take third, we began to play flippy cup.  After quickly emptying the contents of the glasses, we each began flipping our cups.  Just prior to mine landing, TW managed to flip his cup perfectly for the stolen base.  Being the competitive asshole that I am, I got a little upset and slapped my cup off of the table.  At this same time, Bob was getting hungry and had decided to walk into the kitchen to see if there was any food he could scavenge from Cousin’s pantry.  As he entered the kitchen, the cup I had smacked off the table also flew into the kitchen, colliding with Bob’s head.  The cup made a solid contact just above Bob’s eye, on the forehead and hilarity ensued.  The game was paused, as everyone was laughing too hard to continue the game.  Bob got pissed and ran outside, saying "That's why my eye always blinks" and attempting to slam the door behind him but his shit was weak!  I followed Bob, knowing how mad he was, and forced him to punch me in the face.  Not the smartest thing I have ever done, but I think it helped him calm down a little bit.            Now, one might not think a plastic cup could cause much damage, but the next day at work, Bob had a nice looking bruise where the cup had collided. The timing of the incident was perfect, with Bob walking in as the cup was already flying through the air.  If you ever want to piss Bob off, all you have to do is hit a plastic cup through two rooms and hit him in the face with it, that seems to work. End

	How We Met Out Bob You may be asking yourself how we all know Bob, and I am sure if you were to ask him he could tell you the exact time and date that he met all of us, but that wouldn't be as funny. With these stories we will let you know how we met Bob from our perspective. If you have a story about how you met Bob, then tell me about it and I will be sure to post it. How it all began…. By Keith Heimann Seeing that I am Primo (number one) on Bob’s List, I feel it is necessary for me to tell you the tale of how the world of Bob began. I met Bob back in grade school with my earliest memory of him coming in 4th grade. Bob will try to tell you otherwise, saying we met in 3rd, but I have no recollection of us ever talking in that grade. One day during 4th grade indoor recess, Bob approached me and started talking about some nonsense to which I smiled and replied, “Go away Bob”. The next time I remember talking to Bob was in 7th grade. We had a new student, Jared Freeman, who Bob fell in love with at first sight. Bob introduced me to Jared and we began talking about how weird Bob was and a friendship ensued. Unfortunately Bob was attached to this friendship and Jared and I hung out with him. High school followed with Jared and me attending Dwenger and Bob attending Snider. I thought this was the last I would see of Bob, but Jared lived close to Bob and he would be over there whenever we hung out. Making new friends in high school, Jared and I talked to them about all the crazy antics of this guy named Bob. Unfortunately our friends didn’t believe that this guy existed and with plenty of warning they still wanted to meet him. (See their stories) I told them that once they met Bob, there will be no going back. So after introductions on that fateful evening I said, “Welcome to the curse boys.” One could say that I am responsible for changing their lives forever, but I give the same warning to everyone who wants to meet Bob, “Once you meet him, there is no going back; your life will change forever.” Bob has since attached himself to mine and Jared’s friends and has never let go since. In recent years, Jared has departed from us to live in Michigan, which has by default made me number one on Bob’s friend list. I honestly don’t know why I am since I have been the meanest and rudest person to him, but no matter what I do, Bob keeps coming back for more. I think Bob is a curse that I am forced to live with for all eternity and the only way to lessen the pain is to share it with all of you. “Welcome to the curse folks.” How Nathaniel Met Bob By Nathaniel Berg          In high school, I became pretty good friends with Keith Heimann and Jared Freeman.  We would hang out during school, eat lunches together, and spend time out on the weekends, bowling or watching movies or visiting the local Steak ‘n Shake.  Often, Keith and Jared would tell stories about this strange person they had known for several years. The stories they would tell were so outrageous and unbelievable, I was certain they were lying about this person.  I would constantly ask to meet this person, and their answer was always the same, “You really don’t want to do that.”          A few months later, Keith was stuck with Bob for the weekend, and asked if I wanted to meet him.  Still uncertain that there really was such a person, I said sure. That Friday, our football team had a home game, which we typically went to watch, and Keith was to bring Bob with him.          As I got to the game, I expected to meet Keith by himself; maybe smiling thinking he had tricked me all of these years. Sure enough, when I found him, he was alone, and he was smiling a big smile.  Instead of tricking me however, he was smiling because walking up from the restroom was a tall lanky gentleman to meet us.  There was Bob, the stories were true, and my life has never been the same.  End How Saf Met Bob By Andrew Safford My story is very similar to Nathaniel’s in that it happened at a football game, but that is where the similarities end. I was introduced to Nathaniel, Keith and Jared through my neighbor Andy Bricker and began hanging out with them more and more throughout the last two years of high school.  They too would regale me with humorous tales about this Bob character and tell me that I do not want to meet him. But unlike Nathaniel I believed them and agreed because he sounded like a creeper, and boy was I right. This particular evening I was playing video games with Bricker when he asked me if I would like to attend the night’s football match between Dwenger and Snider High School. Not thinking any thing of it I said "sure" because I had no other plans. If you are not aware, like I was at the time, Bob attended Snider and he would be at the game. I arrived to the game a little late because it had already started and I walked in with Bricker heading towards the stands. As I got closer I noticed Nathaniel, Keith and Jared sitting with another person I did not recognize and asked Bricker who it was. With a smile on his face Bricker turned to me and said, “Oh, that’s Bob.” And I replied by asking if it was the same Bob from all the stories I had been hearing, even though I already knew what the answer was going to be. We made our way up the bleachers and I got the privilege of sitting next to Bob because I was the last one to arrive and it was the only available seat. The whole game he kept bumping up against me, sitting way too close and being extremely creepy just as I had predicted he would. After that game I hoped and prayed that it would be the last time I saw this creature, but some how I knew it would not be.

	Other Random Stories These are other stories that do not fit into any of the little boxes I have created, but still feature Bob at his best. Breaking into Butler By Andrew Safford Now just to warn you this story is pretty long and it doesn't feature much Bob, but I think it is a pretty good story non the less.  It was a clear black night and a clear white moon when we were visiting our dear friend Kyle Brower at Butler University to celebrate Halloween. We were partying and drinking at Kyle’s house for several hours and the party was starting to die down when a few of us (me, Kyle, Frosty, Shaun White, and of course Bob) decided to take a walk and try to break into some of the buildings on campus because that’s just what we do. So we all grabbed a beer and started on our journey to what ever building we could get in to. After a few blocks we came across what I can only describe as the music building where Kyle tried to open the front door, but it was locked. We were all disappointed and were ready to give up, but Bob had to go the bathroom and he has sanitary issues so he refused to go outside. At this point Frosty says, “I can get you into that building” and walks right up to the door and with one good yank it came flying open. When I witnessed this my only response was, “Holy shit that was awesome, if I was gay I would marry you right now.” Then Frosty said, “Yeah, that is the kind of security we have around here” and we all headed into the building. We walked down the main hallway until we came across this room with a couple huge drums, a piano and a few other instruments (that is how I knew it was the music building). We decided to wait there while Bob went to the bathroom and took care of business. At this time Kyle saw a clock hanging on the wall and decided to help out because it is daylight savings time so he started to rewind the clock back one hour. He asks the question, “What time is it?” and before any of us could respond I hear a voice from the hallway say, “Time to leave.” At this point we had been in the building no more then a couple of minutes and at first I think that it is Bob, but it did not sound like Bob, so I turn and look into the hallway and there is a cop standing there. Now at this time I must remind you that we all still have beers with us. The way the room is set up Shaun White and I are the only ones to see the cop. I think everyone else had sat their beers down at this point, but I still had mine in my hand so I sneakily put it in my pocket without the cop noticing and say “Okay.” I tried to motion to the other guys that we needed to go while Shaun White and I headed for the door. As we walked by the cop he asked, “Are you guys music majors?” and Shawn White is about to explain that we are from Fort Wayne and the cop just says, “Get out.” Once outside we keep walking towards Kyle’s house at a slow pace waiting for the other guys to catch up, when Frosty comes running passed us, and I think I am sorry I ever offered to marry that pussy. Eventually Kyle catches up and I ask him where Bob is. Kyle says he doesn’t know he was still in the bathroom when he left the building. Then Shaun White and I decide we have to go back because there is no way Bob can find his way back to Kyle’s on his own, and neither of us go to Butler so we probably wouldn’t get in as much trouble. We walked back down this alley and waited across the street in view of the building for a couple minutes for Bob to come out. Then all of a sudden a cop drove up and asked what we are doing. And we tell him we are waiting for our friend and he said, “Your friends not coming.” I get pretty nervous at this point thinking that Bob is going to jail, but Shawn White just happens to see him about a block away walking in the wrong direction so we yell his name and flag him down and head back to Kyle’s. Once at Kyle’s we discuss it and Bob tells us all about what happened to him when we left. Apparently he came out of the bathroom to a cop standing there and the cop told Bob to pour out the beer that he had in his hand. So Bob went to the sink and poured out a beer and started to walk away when the cop said, “I’m not stupid pour out the other beer, too” because Bob took two beers with him. Then the cop asked Bob a bunch of questions t like where he lived and Bob tried to give him Kyle’s address, but he couldn’t remember it so he just looked like an idiot. Finally the cop told him to leave and still to this day we cannot figure out why none of us got arrested that night. What Did You Say?!? By Paul Reidhaar It was one fine evening on Halloween night. In a Durango, which Cousin was driving, was making a strange noise in the left rear speaker. It was so scary. We never found out what the noise was. Oh well, anyway. In the Durango was Cousin, Keith, Bob and me (Pail). We were taking a road trip to Indy to meet up with some other friends and to visit Kyle. The game plan was to drink beers and too celebrate the wonderful but spooky holiday of Halloween. In the vehicle, we were all jamming to some nice tunes. It was mostly older hip-hop and rap, a CD Cousin had put together for the car ride. Limp Bizkit’s “He Said She Said” had come on and we were all singing the song (except Bob… I’m sure he didn’t appreciate any of the songs being played.) I started thinking the song was really “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit. While listening to the song, I had randomly, out of nowhere, yelled “Rippin’ someone’s head off!!” and Bob immediately looked over to me and said “What did you say?” I knew I had blurted out lyrics to the wrong song. I started feeling stupid and looked over to him and said “I didn’t say anything.” Cousin and Keith we’re up in the front seats laughing as they knew I had said something, but weren’t sure what I had said. Bob knew he heard something come out of my mouth, but I continued to deny it every time. Cousin and Keith both were on my side of the situation; telling Bob I hadn’t said a word. As time went by, more songs had been played, and more conversations had continued. After 4-5 different songs had passed, Limp Bizkit’s “Break Stuff” had actually come on. We started jamming some more and the part in the song that I had said earlier was soon to arrive. As soon as the lyrics started, I screamed “Rippin’ someone’s head off!!” and immediately again Bob looked to me and said “What are you saying?!!” I knew I had said the correct lyrics that time. I once again denied the fact I had said anything and Bob angrily yells “I will snap yo motha fuckin’ neck!! What did you say!?!” Now, I had been messing with him all night, trying to make him think I didn’t say anything. I was definitely laughing my ass off after his comment, as were Cousin and Keith. Bob was irritated with my jokes, and he was not laughing at all. I finally told him what I had said and everybody calmed down, and the wonderful road trip to Indy continued. More conversations started and more of the same music that Bob didn’t appreciate (or understand the lyrics too) continued as well. The End. Mommy WOW! I’m a Big Kid Now by Andrew Safford One beautiful summer evening I decided to invite over some friends to enjoy my swimming pool. They all met at my house and changed into their swimming trunks and went outside, well all of them except Bob who had to use the bathroom before joining us in the pool. After swimming for probably a half hour or more we start to get concerned because Bob still had not made his way outside. Eventually he joins us and we laugh at how long it took him to shit not really thinking about it. After hours of frolicking in the water we finally decide to call it a night and get back into our street clothes. I go to my bathroom and see a balled up towel in the bathtub and think ‘that is strange why is one of my bath towels in the bathtub?’ and then I touch it and feel that it is completely soaked and think ‘maybe my mom dropped it in the bathtub after she got done bathing or something’ and I leave it and go about my business. A little while later when everyone is preparing to go home I go back to the bathroom and see another wet towel hanging on the shower and tell whoever left there towel to come and grab it, and of course it is Bob’s, but I still don’t connect it to the other wet towel at that point. The next day I wake up and see the towel in the bathtub is gone and think ‘good my mom cleaned up her mess.’ Then Keith and I decide to meet at to the mall which has no relevance to the story at all, except that is where he brings up Bob’s wet towel. Apparently on the way home from my house Bob tells him that his towel is wet because he made the toilet overflow and cleaned it up with his towel and on of my bath towels. So that night I invite everyone back to my house and confront Bob about the situation when he tells me that he attempted to flush it 4 or 5 times because he couldn’t find the plunger, even thought it is right next to the bathtub, then the water overflowed and he cleaned it up with one of my towels. Then I get angry because I think about my mom washing that shit towel, and the fact that he waited a day to tell me, and only told me because I asked him about it. So I yell at him for a couple of minutes than forbid him from using my bathroom, and decide that isn’t enough so I banish him from the whole house. Eventually I do let him back in my house, but now everyone makes sure to keep an eye on him when he uses their bathroom, and I can’t remember what towel he used, but I know it was green so I will not use any green towels anymore.

	The Epic Shake Before we all turned twenty-one and were able to drink we would spend a lot of our time at this popular family restaurant called Steak 'n Shake. We would sit there for hours enjoy steaks and shakes and after we got tired of sitting we would hang out in the parking lot until we finally decided to go home. These are the stories that happened during our time there. Puking at the Shake by Andrew Safford Several years ago we would spend multiple days a week just hanging out at Steak ‘n Shake partaking in delicious food and shakes while having stimulation conversations about swimming in pools of diarrhea with dead babies.  Well this particular evening Bob must have not been feeling well because just minutes after finishing his sandwich it ended up back on the plate.  He didn’t bother going to the restroom and letting it out in a proper location, he just opened his mouth and as if someone turned on a faucet, without a sound, the food came rushing out like a waterfall filling up his plate and even overflowing a little on to the table.  I’m one of those people that cannot look at or smell that type of thing so I left the table and sat with another friend who just happened to be there, but from the descriptions I heard of the mess, there were whole gummi bears floating in it. After a couple minutes of sitting there staring at the mess he had made the manager finally comes out, sees what happened and says to Bob, “That is disgusting, man, get out.” As Bob tries to apologize, the manager interrupts him and says, “I don’t care, just get out.”  So Bob pays for his food and goes and stands outside because he cannot drive and the rest of us are not finished with our respective food and shakes, and we are eating much slower now because we cannot believe what just happened and we do not want it to happen to us. The many stories of Bob at The Shake by Nathaniel Berg      In my most recent story, I mentioned a man-boy named Bob. Many stories have Bob as the main character, including one that had me almost die I was laughing so hard. I will share some of those stories here in chapter 2. First, to understand these stories, you have to know Bob. Bob speaks in a monotone voice, and is very difficult to understand.  His favorite word is definitely with, but he cannot pronounce it, and every time Bob says it, I think he is saying Whiff. I swear he is always asking if I will do something and take a whiff of him, but he swears he is saying with. Bob is the kid that orders nothing but the complimentary Oyster Crackers, and then as he speaks spits them everywhere.  Bob has been known to break into song whenever a pretty girl walks by, and they are all amazed by his soothing lyrics and cannot leave his side.            Bob is even made fun of by passerbyers. There was a night that we were eating some delicious shakes, and even the waitress was getting in and cajoling Bob. She kept coming back and saying something witty that none of us would ever think of, and I think it was the funniest rips I have ever heard, especially coming from an amazingly attractive waitress. One day there was a very large group of people at our table, and we were joking around and I was laughing quite a bit, then Jared decided to tell all of the people he and Bob have just met that, in case they haven’t noticed, Bob is Gay. I just lost it, in my head, I was thinking of saying something immensely funny, but I was already laughing too hard to speak, and the thoughts made me laugh harder. I had to get up and walk away from the table because I thought that I was going to lose some of that delicious milkshake I had just enjoyed. Then as I realized that I was going to be able to keep it down, I also realized that I hadn’t been breathing in a while, and when I tried, I couldn’t.  I began to panic, but soon realized that I just needed to stop laughing and I would be able to breathe. I still chuckle a little bit every time I hear someone ask Bob if he is gay. Another night we were having some shakes, and Bob wasn’t. All he wanted was water. Now, it has always been one of my dreams to sneak something into Bob’s water, and I thought, well, what better than some pepper juice that is placed on each table. As I distracted Bob, someone was going to slip a little of the deliciously hot juice into his water, and then we would sit back and wait. However, after the deed was done, Bob amazed us all with his astuteness, and informed us that he would not be drinking the rest of his water because it was ruined. Our plan seemed foiled, but we did not give up. Everyone seemed to be giving Bob their water, I cannot remember for sure why, but he must’ve been very thirsty. Well, with our original plan back in the garbage, we decided to take one of our own water glasses and dump some of the juice into it before trading it out for Bob’s fresh water. Somehow he caught us in the act, and we were stopped yet again, but do you think we stopped? We had now inserted juice into all but two of the glasses, and decided that we just had to trick Bob. If he didn’t know which had juice in it, he might drink out of a bad one on accident, and this is what we were banking on. We did trick him, and he took a big swig of one of the poisoned waters. Before swallowing it, he held it his mouth, and his face began to turn red. He spat it out, and we all celebrated our plan, and did celebratory dances. Bob tried to ruin our fun by saying that he knew we had poisoned that one, but we all knew that he was a liar. There was another night, not so long ago, that many of us had gone to the park and sledded down the beautiful snow covered hill. After sledding, we knew of only one place to go, and that place was the Shake. Everyone was in their snow gear as we arrived, but Bob forgot to mention something to us all. He forgot to tell us that he impersonates Santa Claus at any chance he can get. He was wearing snow pants that are similar to those that little children wear, you know the ones? The kind that are like suspenders, and underneath of his Cherry Red snowsuit, he was wearing a white long underwear shirt. He was completely decked out for a night of sleigh riding behind Comet and Dasher, all he needed was a nice stocking cap, and a twinkle in his eye. I just wonder where he got snow pants like the ones he had, I thought they stopped making them once you were over 4’11” tall. Now, not only does Bob sometimes dress up as Santa, he also has a few jackets that we like to joke with him about. One of them has a logo on it that is titled, the Blue Bunny. I guess it is a company or something, I just know that Bob loves bunnies, and blue ones must be his favorite. His other coat is a blue and black winter Starter jacket. It is pretty sweet looking, but Bob picked it out, and he doesn’t like it. Explain that to me. That isn’t the best part though, one night we were eating, and an older woman walks in, and guess what, she was wearing the exact coat Bob was rocking that night. We all got a nice laugh out of that one.